Today in the news, August 22, 2017.
President of the United States, Donald J Trump, requests funding from congress to launch full scale war against the Moon for “attempting to steal covfefe” -sic [the Sun]. In response to the much anticipated and reported upon solar eclipse yesterday.
“I don’t know why the Moon decided to try to steal the sun from us. I have no doubt we will win this fight, I have the most generals, the best generals, they really are the best. The Moon? Total looser, seriously, does nothing gud for us at all” -sic. These opening remarks to Congress were met with some mixed results. With most of the GOP congress members delivering a standing ovation. Meanwhile the rest of congress bewildered looking to one another asking if they were being “Punked”. One daring member of congress was cited as having asked the President if he knew what the eclipse had been. This member of congress was then rushed from the building by Secret Service members to an undisclosed location while dressing the congressman like a Mariachi. It was said that later there day there was a loud thump and a Mariachi was seen flying at great speed to the south.
Unsurprisingly the request for financial and legal support of a war against the Moon was denied. However not to be deterred, the President chose to enact special war powers granted by the NDAA, and Patriot Act. Citing that “The presence of the Moon presents a clear and present danger to the American people, and the continued prosperity of the American way of life”.
Having enacted the special powers act, the president has initiated a wide spread launch of every W-85 ICBM delivery system targeting the Moon (The W-85 ICMB is equipped with 7 separate 450 kiloton warheads). He has also specified that all NASA launch vehicles are to be used to deliver an “overwhelming force” of American soldiers to the surface of the Moon in hopes to win a ground war against the besieged satellite. No word of appropriation of Space Suits has been made at this time.
In hopes to win over support for these actions the President released the following statement. “I hear by swear that once we launch these nukes. We will be rewarded with delicious tangy cheese. Seriously the best cheese, it will top all the taco bowls, it’s going to be fabulous, all the other countries will be jealous, they can’t have any of our American Moon cheese. Only I can bring you the best tangy cheese”. When questioned at the same press conference “Excuse me, Mr. President, don’t you mean Queso?”. The President declared “We have another #22” at which point the Tom Smith reporter for CNN, was whisked away by members of Secret Service who were gluing a pencil mustache on his face while dressing the confused reporter in a sombrero, and poncho. While it cannot be confirmed, it is rumored that Mr. Smith was then taken to the “Been launcher 2000” and shot over the border deep into Mexico.
Surprisingly, support for the Presidents actions have gained significant support (129% according to a poll conducted by a hitherto unknown polling agency called “Mar-a-pollgo”). Not surprisingly sales of Pabts Blue Ribbon, and corn chips have skyrocketed in the south and across the many “Red” states in response to this announcement.
More details will be forthcoming once I figure out why Secret Service are rummaging around my office muttering something about another code 22.
This has been Jose Cuervo (JC@ImNotAMexican.Com) reporting for WTF news.
News from August 22, 2017
Today in the news, August 22, 2017.